When I started this blog, it was a way to blurt things out in a "public" forum in a way that I could stay a little hidden but always show what was going on underneath the surface.

Over a short period of time, that changed. Then (miraculously) it changed again. The first was that I got lazy. The second was that I started dating. Let's be honest a relationship began.

I got to thinking tonight, I wanted to post something. For the life of me I couldn't think of anything. Then I realised my blog has gotten away from me a little. It's become somewhere I left off a bit of steam, but with confines. Which it's really not what it's all about. There has to be boundaries, but even within those boundaries I'm playing it very straight.

Not that I have any idea how to play anything by straight, but I digress.

I can't be the perv'ing Subtle I was in the beginning. I still perv, but these days it's only on one woman. I've also changed a lot since then. I can't be the straight-laced person I was a few years ago (let's not go into that "relationship" right now) that person is done and dusted, not going to drag him out again.

I'm (attempting to) re-invent my physical shell, I have to re-invent my inside as well. In doing that, I have to re-invent my blog persona. I just have no idea where to start.

I feel that I'm on the very edge of a cliff, or at the apex of a rollercoaster track. I know I'm safe to step (or roll), yet I'm still unsure about where it's all going.

Or whether I actually want to take that jump (or roll). It's all pretty good right now, do I really want things to change? Or have I been so fucked up by change in the past that when good change comes along I'm so overly cautious I freeze myself.

The truth is, I have to find a way to balance everything. To have the peaks and troughs. To be the sappy guy. To be the bastard. And then to be the real guy I am. Or perhaps just the real guy. Then I can be a real blogger too.

Although, I'm sure people would like to hear the story about the very younger girl walking around in the gym tonight wearing a tight white top with the words "Yes, they're real" across her chest. I'll await the "uh huh"s to escape before I add that 75% of the gym was pointing and laughing at the 25% of the gym who were literally following this poor young lass as she was trying to work out.

And yes, I was part of the 75% ... there's no way in hell I'd waste money on steriods to look like those idiots.

Either way this blog, like my life, needs some direction. Some journey to take. Something to sink my teeth into and really get my brain spinning. I don't know, any ideas???