The first of not too many

As I lay here, muscles twinging and my mind racing, I attempt to process the next 40 something days. My eyes are heavy yet I don't want to sleep. Sleep brings the next day so much faster. Another day to deal with, to survive through, to cope with.

I'll be accused of sappiness. I'll be told to "man the fuck up". I'll be told many things. None will help.

None will stop me.

Time will make it better. But for the moment I'm going to be sappy. And it's my blog so I'll do what I bloody well please.

I'm going to be a little honest right now. Cut a little close to the bone. Historically, I haven't had good experiences when it comes to girlfriends having fun without me. This meant one of two things. Either it was something I had done that caused many hours of repeated story telling. Or it was worse. Or it meant that they were with someone I wouldn't be happy that they were there.

This was in my past. My rather fucked up past. Thanks to one or two people in particular. Fortunately these people are not in my life, nor will ever again be anywhere near me.

Shame that the feelings and thoughts can't be taken away with the people they are associated with.

This time is different. I'm different. She's different. She's very different, but this is a good thing. It's a very good place to be. But there are times I have to take a hold of the thoughts that rattle around my head and ask them what the hell they are doing there and why they are bugging me so much.

That's all it is. My thoughts. My concerns. My issues. I have accepted this, I have a game-plan (of sorts). Only one thing worries me now.

Is it going to be enough? Will the plan happen fast enough?

Only time will tell. I can only strive for success and the glory that is there.

I can only start every day with a smile and the knowledge that it is one day closer. That I have survived one more day and the count down really has begun.

I had a thought this evening. I thought about distracting myself with other people. People I used to chat to a lot. People who really weren't good for me. Well, I'm sure they are nice people, but really not the sort I want around me any more. It took me to the end of that thought to realise I was doing something stupid. I don't want to distract myself, I have to deal with this. I can't hide with distractions like that. I have to face what I don't like and deal with it. Like the adult I am, even if the little boy inside me really doesn't want too.

Even if the little boy inside me still wishes he could run home and find his Mum waiting for him with her famous peanut brownies out of the oven. With a glass of cold milk. To sit with his siblings and gaze at the wonder of his family.

Perhaps one day I'll have a family like that of my own. I know I can never find that one any more. Death works well that way.

My eyes are heavy, my arms are sore, my legs are threatening to run off and join the circus. My brain is telling me that unless I get sleep soon tomorrow will be a very long day. My heart tells me not to fuck this one up, to not let this one go.

I've tried the fairy tale in the past. I've tried the hermit life style. Now I've been given a chance with reality. I much prefer that over the first two. This one I'm not going to fuck up. That would be the easy way out.

Perhaps I'll even work out what I really want. Maybe I've found it?