That's the way life goes

I've been real quiet recently. Not too sure why, but now I know things are looking up!

I am now unemployed. It's been a weird couple of months at the place I was working. But I know now that I won't be pushed into doing illegal or dodgy things and when it comes down to it I'm more than willing to put my job on the line for the things I believe in.

... now, does anyone have the number for Microsoft's piracy and licencing department?

Is it a little sad ...

When I spend most of my afternoon (at work) virtua-bowling? ... and then score a perfect 300 just before I go home?

Ok, I think I just answered my own question. Perhaps next week I'll get to do some actual work!

Oh and perhaps a blog entry or 2 ...

I'm at a mental blank. I've hit the wall. Do I dare even think .. writer's block? I can't even get my butt into gear to write the things I've scribbled down in the past.

I can't even write pure unadulterated crap as I usually do. What's wrong with me??

I figure I'm still at those crossroads. In fact there are a few crossroads, actually a couple of them look like cliffs I have to dive off. I'm not good when it comes to jumping off heights. That last step is always a doozie. Will I choose right and fly, or will I choose wrong and plummet to the jagged rocks below?

Do I really mind which way it goes? Have I decided that it's all about the journey and the destination is so far away that it's not even worth contemplating any more. Not even I can answer that question, I just don't know right now.


I think I see where this has come from. Friends of mine got married a year or so ago and they have been considering ruining their financial future by having children (I don't really believe that, but it made you think). Well, the wife fell pregnant a few months back. Got through the morning sickness, etc. Then had a miscarriage last weekend. The weekend before her birthday.

Understandably they both are shattered. Perhaps I'm a bastard for saying this, but the name they picked out was horrible (I hope that name is now scratched off the list) and the whole fiasco about getting a bracelet with the picked name engraved on it and writing a poem (which wasn't bad, but forcing everyone to read it at her party was a bit over the top).

I understand people have different ways of grieving and that's cool. Just seems to me that they way this particular girl is doing it is a little too ... clingy. A little too much holding onto the past and not willing to move forward.

Am I a bastard for thinking that she's going over the top? That really, the first pregnancy is very unlikely to go full term and committing so much seems a bit wrong. What happens the next time? Hell, my mother had a number of miscarriages and while she grieved for them each, life moves on, a material reminder of things isn't always necessary.

In fact a material reminder of things past can be the worst possible thing. Is the next pregnancy going to have a negative stigma because it survived where the first one didn't?

Is everyone around me growing up and having "real" adult lives - while I stumble my way through it all attempting to catch up. Or at least work out what the hell I'm doing?

I don't even know what sort of Dad I'd be ....

When I started this blog, it was a way to blurt things out in a "public" forum in a way that I could stay a little hidden but always show what was going on underneath the surface.

Over a short period of time, that changed. Then (miraculously) it changed again. The first was that I got lazy. The second was that I started dating. Let's be honest a relationship began.

I got to thinking tonight, I wanted to post something. For the life of me I couldn't think of anything. Then I realised my blog has gotten away from me a little. It's become somewhere I left off a bit of steam, but with confines. Which it's really not what it's all about. There has to be boundaries, but even within those boundaries I'm playing it very straight.

Not that I have any idea how to play anything by straight, but I digress.

I can't be the perv'ing Subtle I was in the beginning. I still perv, but these days it's only on one woman. I've also changed a lot since then. I can't be the straight-laced person I was a few years ago (let's not go into that "relationship" right now) that person is done and dusted, not going to drag him out again.

I'm (attempting to) re-invent my physical shell, I have to re-invent my inside as well. In doing that, I have to re-invent my blog persona. I just have no idea where to start.

I feel that I'm on the very edge of a cliff, or at the apex of a rollercoaster track. I know I'm safe to step (or roll), yet I'm still unsure about where it's all going.

Or whether I actually want to take that jump (or roll). It's all pretty good right now, do I really want things to change? Or have I been so fucked up by change in the past that when good change comes along I'm so overly cautious I freeze myself.

The truth is, I have to find a way to balance everything. To have the peaks and troughs. To be the sappy guy. To be the bastard. And then to be the real guy I am. Or perhaps just the real guy. Then I can be a real blogger too.

Although, I'm sure people would like to hear the story about the very younger girl walking around in the gym tonight wearing a tight white top with the words "Yes, they're real" across her chest. I'll await the "uh huh"s to escape before I add that 75% of the gym was pointing and laughing at the 25% of the gym who were literally following this poor young lass as she was trying to work out.

And yes, I was part of the 75% ... there's no way in hell I'd waste money on steriods to look like those idiots.

Either way this blog, like my life, needs some direction. Some journey to take. Something to sink my teeth into and really get my brain spinning. I don't know, any ideas???

So many things to post about right now. None of them I actually want to post about. That really sucks.

Although international mobile networks suck majorly. Attempting to hold a conversation via sms on them is almost impossible. How is one supposed to keep one's girlfriend on edge ... yeah, ok I'll stop that now.

Apparently I'm having trouble at work. As a relatively new member of the "team", I've had an uphill battle to get to where I am now. Then I get told that people are going behind my back straight to my boss about my performance. I've worked out what they mean by "performance" - I don't jump high enough or quickly enough when they call.

I've never been one to "jump to attention". I find it never works well for anyone in any situation. Spend a few more seconds getting a little bit more information and formulating the solution and it works out better and faster for everyone involved. Shame that's not how this place has been in the past.

Shame that I have complete control of the internet here and while I block other people from searching Seek - I've applied for a few jobs today. A bit sad really, but to be honest this place is no where near what they portrayed it to be and the role really isn't suited to someone with as much real work experience as I have. Perhaps a graduate? Or even a kid out of high school.

Ah well, time to get my butt back into the CBD anyway. These jobs in the 'burbs are starting to annoy me. That's 2 in a row that turned out to be crap. Give me a nice big multi-national with lots of money. In a nice tall building. Hell, anything with real walls I'd take!

Although I sure will miss having my own office ... I wonder if I can still score on of those somehow.

Anyone out there know of any nice paying jobs going in the Melb CBD these days??

Guido in training

I know, it's a bad name but it's the only one I could think of that everyone will understand.

Let me set the scene. Monday night, 1800, suburban gym. I arrive and wonder why everyone was at the gym. Now I remember why I don't gym on monday nights.

As I walk the stairs to the gym area, I can hear them. The posers. The junkies. The muscle nuts. Oh dear god, why tonight of all nights?

Getting changed, there are 3 of them in the change rooms. Obviously 1 of them is brand new ("You'll be fine brother, just follow what we do and then mum will get off your back"). Wonderful, they'll transform another almost-human into a muscle bound fruitcake.

It's not that I have anything against people exercising, hell I enjoy the small amount of banter I have with my fellow gym memebers. Thing that bugs me about this type? They never come alone and always train together. Makes any machine or set of weights they use out of order until they have all gone through.

Case in point - Guido in Training - having 3 guys use the lat pulldown is fine. Having the same 3 guys chat between sets is just a little annoying.

Perhaps I'm being a little too overzealous here, I like to use the equipment but I accept that other people pay money as well to use the equipment. Perhaps it's just the ego boosting they all need to get from each other as they circle jerk themselves around the room to exercise.

And no, I'm not jealous I can't exercise with anyone else. Even a personal trainer gets me off my game.

I'm not really sure what it is, perhaps it was the interruption to my "schedule". The fact that they were training another one to enter the ranks. One things I know it wasn't, it wasn't jealousy. I end up yelling at people who try and spot for me. Well, only once and I did apologise afterwards.


Maybe it was just the fact that the stupid scales at the gym gave me the wrong numbers. No, that can't be it at all.


Damn scales. Fuckers.

Quickee

Is it possible to forget something you have memorised? Not accidentally, but to remove it from mind?

Curious ...

BMI

As you may or may not have noticed, I've started putting my exercise and food intake tables on my blog. For 2 reasons - 1 is to have somewhere to keep them, the other is so that I have somewhere I am answerable to. So I can look back and say "Yup, I fucked up there" or "Yup, I'm so awesome!".

I went looking for a few websites last night, to do with food intake and heart rates. I wanted to be sure my exercising heart rate was within the good boundaries (Yup, it is, again I rock!) and I was pointed to CalorieKing. Now, I think I've been to this site before so I was looking at something (albeit at stupid o'clock last night) that I was sure I had seen before. Anyhoo, I signed up (go free registration!) and had a quick look around. Not too bad to be honest. I entered my food intake (yikes 2000 calories per day!) and entered my basic exercising (not a lot of non-cardio detail on this website).

Basically it works out that I'm not eating near my "Daily Recommended Caolarie Intake" (of 2000 calories!!) and that I'm exercising like a mofo!

So far, my maximum "Net Energy" has been 205 calories. My minimum? -40. Yup, that's negative 40 calories for the whole day.

I know it's good for weightloss and all that to have "more going out than coming in" but it's a little weird to see my intake jump from -40 to 205 with pretty much the same food and exactly the same exercise.

But I persist. All exercise is good, I'm eating healthy and it appears that I'm expending more energy than I've done in a while - so the fat better be falling off soon!

I have my "weigh in" tonight at the gym. Basically I'll jump on the scales and yell at them if it's not a good number.

Oh, right the title to this ditty. When I signed up to CalorieKing, they asked for my weight, height, age, sex, etc. Didn't let me answer "yes" to sex though. So I entered all of these (192 cm, 127kg, yes I mean male, etc).

Now, I'm not small by anyone's imagination. I'm overweight. But Being 192cm (6'3.5 for those playing at home) it's not as if I'm a big ball. But, what does the stupid BMI ("Bastard Measuring Index" in my opinion) think I am?

Obese.

Me. Obese. I'm almost 6 foot fucking 4 ... and I'm told "You're supposed to be between 85-92 kg". 90 kg? Fuck, I'll be skin and fucking bone. What about the muscle? Yes, I freely admit I have a bit of fat (spare tire anyone?) to get rid of. But obese? And 90 kg?

Who was the fucking moron who invented this fucking index? I mean really. Since I'm not "average" height, nor "average" body shape I'm obese. I'm a big guy, not much I can do about my height or my basic body shape. Well, the shape I'm changing, but you get the idea!

BMI can go suck moneky balls right now - I'm really not happy with it at all. Especially as everyone and their dog is going on about how "great" it is to have this "wonderful index". Yeah, go you average people. Pretty fucked up for the rest of us.

Ok, rant over. My plan at the moment is to rest at 100kg. That's a nice figure. That'll give me some breathing room to add muscle to my shape and not be overly concerned about the health issues.

Oh and if one more health insurance company says no to me because I don't fit into their little fucked up tables - I'm going to reach down the phone and strangle the average sized little bastards.

And yes, I'll be fit enough to do that by then too.

Popcorn

There are times I'll sit down to watch a movie and just want to veg out. Usually I can do this very well, sometimes it takes an extra bit of, let's say effort.

Last night it took a very funny children's movie "3 Pigs and a Baby". Today it's the movie "Enchanted".

These are very crap movies. Yet I enjoyed them a lot. I laughed out loud, I smiled, I even giggled. I even relaxed, I was able to stop the continuous racing of my brain. Sometimes I need to do this, sometimes I just need something crap to take me away from it all. Not that "it all" is so bad, but a little bit of escapism seems to work wonders.

My housemate will watch crap movie after crap movie, yet never one that is just crap for the sake of making one feel better. Perhaps this is a fundamental difference between some people. Some look for things to make them smile to escape - others look for things just to escape. I think I prefer smiling and laughing.

I've watched many deep movies, many recommended movies, in fact many movies period. Like my music taste, my taste in movies has always been wide and varied. Although try as I might, I've never been into anything Country & Western (or overly patriotic).

One thing with movies I've noticed over the years - the movies you see with other people can be a good indication of that person. One "date" I went on once, the female component of the "date" dragged me to "27 Dresses". A movie I may have seen on DVD, a movie I can tell you is NOT good for a date. In fact for anything that involves spending copious amounts of money. In fact any money.

Finding someone who is at least willing to experience movies outside their own comfort zone is special. After spending years with people who won't even consider a movie outside of a very small sliver of the media, it's very refreshing let me tell you.

Another rambling entry, but I really don't mind. I ramble in real life enough, it has to overflow into my blog every now and then ;)

The first of not too many

As I lay here, muscles twinging and my mind racing, I attempt to process the next 40 something days. My eyes are heavy yet I don't want to sleep. Sleep brings the next day so much faster. Another day to deal with, to survive through, to cope with.

I'll be accused of sappiness. I'll be told to "man the fuck up". I'll be told many things. None will help.

None will stop me.

Time will make it better. But for the moment I'm going to be sappy. And it's my blog so I'll do what I bloody well please.

I'm going to be a little honest right now. Cut a little close to the bone. Historically, I haven't had good experiences when it comes to girlfriends having fun without me. This meant one of two things. Either it was something I had done that caused many hours of repeated story telling. Or it was worse. Or it meant that they were with someone I wouldn't be happy that they were there.

This was in my past. My rather fucked up past. Thanks to one or two people in particular. Fortunately these people are not in my life, nor will ever again be anywhere near me.

Shame that the feelings and thoughts can't be taken away with the people they are associated with.

This time is different. I'm different. She's different. She's very different, but this is a good thing. It's a very good place to be. But there are times I have to take a hold of the thoughts that rattle around my head and ask them what the hell they are doing there and why they are bugging me so much.

That's all it is. My thoughts. My concerns. My issues. I have accepted this, I have a game-plan (of sorts). Only one thing worries me now.

Is it going to be enough? Will the plan happen fast enough?

Only time will tell. I can only strive for success and the glory that is there.

I can only start every day with a smile and the knowledge that it is one day closer. That I have survived one more day and the count down really has begun.

I had a thought this evening. I thought about distracting myself with other people. People I used to chat to a lot. People who really weren't good for me. Well, I'm sure they are nice people, but really not the sort I want around me any more. It took me to the end of that thought to realise I was doing something stupid. I don't want to distract myself, I have to deal with this. I can't hide with distractions like that. I have to face what I don't like and deal with it. Like the adult I am, even if the little boy inside me really doesn't want too.

Even if the little boy inside me still wishes he could run home and find his Mum waiting for him with her famous peanut brownies out of the oven. With a glass of cold milk. To sit with his siblings and gaze at the wonder of his family.

Perhaps one day I'll have a family like that of my own. I know I can never find that one any more. Death works well that way.

My eyes are heavy, my arms are sore, my legs are threatening to run off and join the circus. My brain is telling me that unless I get sleep soon tomorrow will be a very long day. My heart tells me not to fuck this one up, to not let this one go.

I've tried the fairy tale in the past. I've tried the hermit life style. Now I've been given a chance with reality. I much prefer that over the first two. This one I'm not going to fuck up. That would be the easy way out.

Perhaps I'll even work out what I really want. Maybe I've found it?

The First Time

It was a warm night, so being me I was dreading going out. Sweating is never a way to impress a new person, especially when she is someone that you have admired. Perhaps admiration is the wrong word, but it will do for the moment.

I have the worst luck when it comes to parking my car, so true to form I parked about as far away as possible. And walked. In the heat. Walking fast because I wanted to get there early and see if I could spot her before she spotted me. Walking into the centre, I remembered there were multiple escalators and we had agreed to meet at the top. Might have helped if I knew which one was the top.

Standing at the 3rd (or 4th) escalator, I saw a woman standing next to the top. At a glance, I figured there was no way this woman was going to be the person I was here for. She really didn't meet the image that I had from her writing. Not that I actually had an accurate image, strange as it sounds I couldn't picture this person, yet the woman at the top of the stairs was in no way someone who would want to spend time with me.

How wrong I was. How wrong I still am at times.

I passed this short (had to be mentioned) woman and with 5 minutes to spare I went looking for the "top of the escalators", stupid me I was already there. The top of the escalators was in a circle, so I started walking around. Glancing at the woman I noticed, I started liking what I was looking at - but still figured there's no way that is the woman here to meet me. I've never been that lucky.

At the 2nd circuit, I saw the same woman sit down and pick out a book from her handbag. I figured what the hell, she has to be close or at least here. I even jokingly figured it might be the woman I was looking at. I called the number she gave me. Figuring the top of the stairs was the meeting point, I positioned myself so I could get there quickly. Fortunately it was also in view of the woman I was looking at. At the 3rd or 4th ring, the woman with the book rummaged through her handbag and picked out her phone ... my heart stopped. There's no way my luck is THAT good.

She picked up and said with a smirk "Hello". Not only could I hear the laugh in her voice, but I could see it from where I was walking towards. She had obviously seen me come up the stairs, but had let me walk straight past her. This could be interesting.

I don't remember our first phone conversation, but there was a lot of laughing at my expense. Which seemed to be the start to many laughing sessions. Sometimes it's good to hear someone laugh, even if it is at your own expense.

I could tell she was very apprehensive, I was probably exactly what she expected in a "eStalker" but it was very obvious there'd be nothing more than (hopefully) a good friendship.

We discussed the option of food, but decided on the pub for a drink. I must remember that I don't drink beer, and it's possible to get other drinks at a pub.

She and I talked and talked and talked. I said more things than I really had planned to (the old rule of not mentioning ex's seems to be forgotten on me) but it did seem she enjoyed the conversation. At least I survived the first 30 minutes without her running away screaming. In fact I think we had 3 or 4 drinks before we thought about food.

Over food I think is when the blogs came up. The fact that I'd been reading her's for a while (ok, a long time) and that mine was the 2nd incarnation, although my 1st is still offline (won't be going online again for a while).

The hours we spoke for melded together, I can't remember how many we were there for. But eventually we got to the end and as we walked out of the centre, she mentioned that she came out of public transport with the "great unwashed". Quick thinking (ha, me quick!) I dragged out my chivalry and offered to drive her home.

And this is where my luck ran out - with a couple of beers in me, I forgot where I parked my car. My manliness was decreasing rapidly. She laughed at me again (numerous times at the pub too) and finally helped my find the car park. With my fantastic ability to remember road names (yeah, haha!) she had to direct me. Manliness decreases again.

Once I pulled into her street, there was an awkward silence. I looked at her, she looked at me and said something like "Thanks for a nice night, bye" and jumped out of my car. I do believe if her house had been a few more steps away, I would have seen her run.

I believe I sent her a text the next morning, just being light and easy. And I believe that's where the fun started. Well, at least the interesting part that neither she nor I can work out what we were both doing.

Perhaps another blog entry will be about the months we chatted before I stopped being stupid. Ok, until I was less stupid.

New look

Yup, I'm playing. I sort of like this new look. A bit fresh, a little different. A little new.

Change is good. Even if it takes a while to realise it.

I've added a "Blob Status" link too, I'll be updating this as often as possible (ie food will be every day, exercise will be most days of the week). Hopefully I can surprise myself within the next month and a half.

Who knows - I might even get to be a little hot.

I know, I know "haha" I can but dream!

Intermission

For a short time (let's say 6 weeks) I'm going to be using my blog to track a few specific things in my life. Namely my eating and exercising habits.

I know I can put this anywhere, but for the moment I want it somewhere I can get anywhere and I can be answerable to a couple of people (ok, one person in particular).

To make it easy, I'm going to start from today and put in a food diary and exercise specifics. Don't worry, I'll also have my usual ramblings, but with the odd intermission for healthy stuff updates.

So, to find a good layout for this stuff. I think I'll go look up some html coding for spreadsheet layouts and post them up.


Oh, I have 45 days to lose as much as I possibly can (at least 10 kgs) so the race is on!